The Box and the Letter
by Ja-Kha'jay
Summary: After meeting with King Alistair, Anders talks to Hawke about his past, the Circle, Amaranthine, the Wardens and Justice. He's also got a letter from an old friend. Nice and short. Some OOC, I tried to stay true. AndersXFemHawke


The Box and the Letter.

By Ja-Kha'jay.

Disclaimer: Dragon Age and all its lore, characters etc. belongs to Bioware and not myself. I make not profit from this story except for the pleasure of my own twisted mind.

Setting: After On the Loose, and before the Justice Quests

_'So today I met the King of Ferelden, Alistair Theirin. Can you believe it? It's like something out of a story.'_

Hawke sat at her small desk, writing in her journal. For the umpteenth time she mused about the amount of coin she'd make selling her memoirs. Not an hour ago, she'd left the Viscount's Keep after meeting the foreign leader. Not that he was truly foreign, she'd grown up in Ferelden after all. What was really entertaining were the others in her merry troupe. Aveline almost tripping over herself to show deference to him. Anders commenting on the Wardens, but the real crack-up was Isabela. It seems that it wasn't just runaway mages on her 'done that' list, but now a King.

"She certainly does get around." Hawke muttered to herself, inscribing her mirth into the tome before her.

"That she does." Said a familiar voice behind her.

Anders stood in the doorway, a small wooden box tucked under his arm and a smirk on his face. A huge difference from the way he'd been lately.

"Was wondering where you'd run off to." Hawke laughed.

Anders sauntered over to the table and sat down placing the box in front of him.

"Had to run down to Darktown to grab something." He replied, pouring himself a drink.

"You mean it wasn't the half dozen Templars glaring at anyone daring to enter the Keep?" Hawke prodded.

"Haha, No." Anders chuckled. "Look, I want to talk to you about Alistair...and the Wardens." He sighed.

Hawke out her quill in the inkwell and leaned back, sipping her whiskey, waiting for Anders to say what was on his mind.

Anders took a deep breathe before beginning. "Seeing Alistair today...brought back a lot of memories. It may surprise you, but it's because of Alistair that I finally escaped the Circle. I owe that man my life."

"What happened?" Hawke asked.

"I'd not long been out of solitary confinement when the Blight struck, and Uldred was taken by the Demons. In the chaos that followed, counting the dead, cleaning the tower, I gave them the slip. I figured no one would miss one mage when so many lay dead. Guess someone saw me since I soon had Templars on my ass. Somehow I not only managed to escape the Templars but the bloody Blight too."

"Lucky. We had to deal with Flemeth..." Hawke said.

"This box contains fragments of my past. A few trinkets I've held onto over the years, reminding me of what I've been through to be where I am today." Anders opened the catch with a practiced hand. He rummaged around and pulled out a tarnished ring made of silver, plain and simple. Hawke could feel the enchantment in the ring, however.

"This ring was given to me when I passed my Harrowing. They quite literally throw you to the demons and you either pass or get killed by the Templars. A Templar called Rylock was to slay me if I became an Abomination. I showed her!" Anders smiled fondly at the memory.

"Sounds like you were quite cheeky back in those days." Hawke smiled.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it! That Rylock was a royal pain in the ass. She was the one assigned to me whenever I ran away from the Circle." Anders laughed.

"How many times did you runaway from the Circle?" Hawke asked, raising a questioning eyebrow.

"Seven. After the sixth, they stuck me in solitary confinement for a year. Once I even swam across Lake Calenhad! The Templars were supposed to be teaching the apprentices how to swim, but I already could. They found me of course, a week later halfway to Orzammar. Once I even got as far as Denerim!" Anders grinned.

"You'd think they'd give you credit for trying!" Hawke chuckled.

"You know what? I said exactly the same thing to the Hero of Ferelden! You know I knew her from the Circle, right?"

"You've mentioned that once or twice." Hawke shrugged sipping her drink. It was fascinating to see a touch of the Old Anders, before Justice. She'd never known him before the Spirit, he was always a bit moody, it was nice to see him so carefree for a change.

"We were taken to the Circle together." Anders mood changed suddenly, sadness tingeing his voice. "A caravan of Templars came from Denerim on their way to the Tower with two small magelings. As they were passing through the Bannorn, my father turned me over to them. There was a fire in the barn, and Mother was crying. I don't remember much, I was only 12. I only really remember being stuffed into a wagon clutching my pillow and seeing the others." Anders took a long drink, and took a long time before carrying on.

"They were younger than me, only 7 or 8. Too young to know what was going on. A small blonde elf and a dark haired boy, both pretty grubby. After two weeks on the road from Denerim, they had no more tears, but I could see the soul crushing sadness in their eyes. They looked to me, the older kid, for guidance and leadership, but I could offer them none. I took them into my arms and held them all the way to the tower."

"I lost count of how many times the Templars passed through Lothering on their hunt for magelings. Father always hid with Bethany and I whenever he got wind of the Templars." Hawke said simply.

"We were all separated once we reached the tower. I got placed in a class for late apprentices, where they try and beat your bad magical habits out of you. The other two though, Neria and Jowan were luckier, placed in the youngest class, where they are a lot more gentle teaching the basics of magic use. I'd see them around the Tower sometimes, try to offer a kind word of support to them. I didn't really know them too well, but being brought to the Tower together gave us a bond. I thought about taking them with me when I ran away after passing my Harrowing. In the end I was too selfish, they'd slow me down. Then I was caught and thrown in into a cell with no one to talk to, for a year. When I was let out, I found out that not only had Neria passed her Harrowing, but had been conscripted into the Grey Wardens and the lad Jowan had been branded malificar and was on the run." Anders took a deep sigh.

"That must have hurt, having the closest thing to a family you had in the Tower to be suddenly gone." Hawke said softly.

"I even lost Mr. Wiggums to the Abominations a few months later." He said sadly.

"Mr. Wiggums?" Hawke asked, amusementin her voice.

"He was the Tower cat. A good mouser. The only company I had in my cell when he deigned to come see me. I loved that cat." Anders smiled.

"So you ran away again. After Uldred." Hawke pushed him to continue the story.

"Yes. I got captured by Templars at Vigil' Keep, in the Arling of Amaranthine. The Templar were escorting me out when the Darkspawn struck. It took everyone by complete surprise, since the Blight was supposed to be over. Anyway the darkspawn killed all the Templars and I was finishing a hurlock when who came through the door but Neria, the Hero of Ferelden. I didn't realize that she was the one who'd slain the Archdemon. I didn't see her at the Tower when she dealt with Uldred. I was hiding in the basement. Anyway she gave me this and told me to follow her." Anders fished out a necklace this time.

"May I see it?" Hawke asked.

Anders handed it to her. A small silver square on a chain, adorned with a Warden Sigil. Again Hawke could sense an enchantment, a strong one too. Granting a resistance to fire, and a stabilizing effect. Whoever wore this amulet, would not be knocked over easily.

"Strange thing to have." Hawke raised an eyebrow, while giving it back to Anders.

"Didn't take long before I realised what it was for." Anders smiled, his mood had definitely improved. "Fighting darkspawn on the front lines had given Neria some rather strange battle tactics. Whenever we got swamped, she'd drop a fireball at her feet!" Anders laughed.

"Why would she do that? Our Mind Blast spells would take care of that." Hawke asked jokingly.

"She was no good with that particular spell, she couldn't summon the mana correctly or some-such. So she had to improvise. She had a wicked fireball though, gave you a right kick in the ass, then knocked you on it, unless you were wearing one of these. It used to piss Justice off something chronic. Anyway, once we'd cleaned out the darkspawn we met up with King Alistair, and who should turn up but Rylock. Anyway Neria invoked the Right of Conscription for me, and Rylock argued with King Alistair. When Alistair allowed my conscription, you should have seen the look on Rylock's face, it was priceless!" Anders laughed loudly.

"Anyway we went through the Joining that night. We only lost one in ours. Mhairi. Apparently Neria was the only one to survive her Joining. As part of the Joining we were given this." Anders pulled out a small glass pendant filled with a distinctly red fluid.

"What is that?" Hawke asked.

"This is some of the blood potion from the Joining. Every Grey Warden has one. Even Carver. It's to remind you of the oath you took and the price paid in blood to do it." Anders shook his head sadly and placed it back in the box, not wanting to look at the thing anymore.

"Do you regret leaving the Wardens?" Hawke asked gently.

"Yes...No...I didn't really have a choice after Justice." Anders glazed over the question pulling another object from the box. It was a small collar with a bell on it. It jingles softly as he passed it to Hawke.

"This belonged to Ser-Pounce-A-Lot. Neria gave him to me, after finding him wandering around the keep. He went everywhere with me, even the Deep Roads at Kal'Hirol. Keeping a pet confused Justice, he couldn't grasp the concept. Anyway once the Warden-Commander went back to Denerim, Stroud took over the Vigil's Keep Wardens and made me give Ser-Pounce-A-Lot to a friend in Amaranthine. I miss that cat..." Anders sighed before taking another sip.

"You know, I can't believe Justice is letting you drink. Isn't he a bit of a stick-in-the-mud with that sort of thing?" Hawke joked.

"I think he's just as nostalgic at this point as I am. He had a lot of respect for Neria. Oh!" Anders dug around in the box again and pulled out a small leather pouch. Carefully pinching it he revealed a ring.

"Is that lyrium?" Hawke asked.

"Yes, careful now, it's raw, unrefined lyrium and very dangerous to you and I." Anders cautioned letting Hawke examine the ring.

It was simple, no markings on it at all aside from a small piece of rock set in it, but Hawke could almost feel a slight tingling in her finger, even through the leather.

"Neria gave that to Justice when he asked for something made of lyrium. He claimed it sang to him, I never really believed him until we merged. I can hear it now, like the darkspawn taint, but something beautiful and good. Even now I can feel Justice's thoughts focussing on the ring, on the delightful singing. It's like catnip for spirits, I guess." Anders said, eyes fixed on the ring.

"I can feel...something...not entirely unpleasant..." Hawke let the ring slip back into the pouch before handing it back to Anders.

"I only brought the box with me when I left the Wardens. There wasn't time for me to get anything else. I took the box and ran...before both the Templars and the Wardens could catch me. I took ship at Highever, I dared not go to Amaranthine. I'd only been in Kirkwall for almost just over a month when you walked into my clinic. I'd sent word to Neria about Justice through trusted channels a year ago. I've not heard anything from her until now. Bann Teagan slipped this to me while you were talking to Alistair." Anders explained, before producing a sealed envelope from his robes. It bore the Seal of the Warden-Commander pressed into the wax, and a neat, feminine handwritten name marking its recipient as 'Feathers'. Hawke could feel an enchantment in the paper.

"Feathers?" Hawke smirked, raising her eyebrow.

"Long story, short: I was annoying Oghren for some reason or another, and he says to me 'Fuck off, Feathers!' and Neria cracked up laughing. The name stuck. To use that means that she's at least listened. It's probably enchanted so that none but my own fingers can open it safely. I thought we might read it together." Anders fingered the wax seal.

"Are you sure that there will be nothing in there you don't want me to see?" Hawke asked.

"What? Uh, no! Yes, I loved Neria. But as a sister and friend! We were more likely to get drunk and sing bawdy tavern limericks, flinging lightning at fools, than any funny business like that. We didn't have what you and I have Hawke." Anders reached over and grasped her hand, squeezing it gently.

"Well then, I suppose we'd better read it then." Hawke motioned to the letter, temporarily forgotten.

"Right." Anders downed the last of his drink, and using his dagger, carefully broke the seal.

Hawke let out a breath that she had no idea she'd been holding.

Anders studied the pages to a moment before beginning to read aloud.

_'My dear friend Feathers,_

_It was marvellous to receive your letter, and I apologise for taking so long to reply. If you're reading this, then Teagan has done as promised and delivered this to your hand or the Champion's. How are things in Kirkwall? I hear that their Circle of Magi does some terrible things, and the Templars pretty much run the show up there. I hope you're keeping your head down. I used my contacts on Denerim to gain access to the Circle's Phylacetry store and have destroyed ours. You shouldn't get any noise from Ferelden, but please for the Maker's sake, don't draw the attention of the Templars there in Kirkwall...'_

"Bit late for that!" Hawke sniped jokingly.

Anders smirked back, before carrying on.

_'Alistair has been battling with the Chantry for years about the problem mages face, especially in Kirkwall. We've done what we can, but it will take a kick in the ass from the Maker Himself to make the Chantry see the light, so to speak._

_I was very surprised to learn of Justice's fate. And for a while I was unsure of how to respond. Then I had a word with mutual friend from the Circle. Do you remember Senior Enchanter Wynne? She travelled with me during the Blight. She has given me much wise council over the years, and I trust her utterly in this matter. She reminded me of a conversation we had before the Battle of Denerim._

_She's given me her permission to tell you the following: You are not the only mage hosting a Spirit. The Senior Enchanter herself is host to a Spirit of Faith, who guided her over many years and saved her life while Uldred ravaged the Tower. The Spirit saved our skins a few times over those months. Before the Battle of Denerim she asked me if I thought she was an abomination, because of the Fade Spirit. So I'm going to tell you what I told her._

_I don't think you are an abomination. You are host to a benevolent spirit, and for that you are blessed. I have never met one of the benevolent kind, (until Justice) and that you are lucky. You still have your mental faculties, you still have the same body. You are not a deformed slobbering monster slaughtering everything in sight. The only difference between then and now is the feeling of being safe and loved and utterly not alone._

_I won't pretend I understand what sense Justice gives to you. I remember him as the Fade Spirit in Kristoff's body. He was hard and unforgiving, and at times almost childish. He didn't always grasp the concept of mercy, but marvelled of the beauty of our world. We clashed over many issues, but before the end I think he not only trusted me but saw me as a friend. _

_I worry abut you and Justice, how each have affected the other. With Wynne and Faith, she didn't know where she ended and Faith began. She was a lot more mellow after the merge. But Justice is an interesting concept, and I fear what he's done to you, and you to him. I worry you both may be lost forever. Considering what you told me, I am right to fear. However your relationship with the Champion of Kirkwall may be a force of good in both your lives. Justice was curious about the mortal world, and I hope that you can both show him that there is a greater force in the world than justice, and that is love. Show him what it means to love and be loved. Perhaps one day you and Wynne could meet again and discuss your unique circumstances._

_This is all the insight I have on the matter however, and I hope that you and Hawke can tame Justice._

_I am sorry Stroud made you give up Ser-Pounce-A-Lot, you loved that cat. Hawke, if you are reading this, get this man a cat, he is incomplete without one. And look after him. He's the closest thing to a brother I have. _

_Your Friend, Neria._

_P.S. Feathers, you still owe me a sovereign from that drinking contest in the Keep. Lightweight._

Anders was silent for a long time afterward he finished reading. Hawke studied the man sitting across from her. His fingers were trembling, and when he looked up, Hawke saw tears in his eyes. When he tried to blink them away, flashes of blue light could be seen. Anders was on the edge of his emotions, torn every which way by the box of memories and the letter from his past. He was struggling to hold back Justice. He was failing.

"What have I done?" Justice said.

"What have I done?" Anders repeated a second later.

Hawke got out of her chair and knelt down before him. She took Anders' face in her hands, and Justice receded.

"Anders..." Hawke whispered before her lunged into her embrace, clinging to her while he sobbed his grief and relief, a strange mix of emotions.

Several minutes passed before he calmed. "I'm sorry Hawke, I needed to let that out."

He wiped his face on his sleeve.

"She understands, not only understands, but she knows someone else with a spirit, not a demon. Wynne! Of all people! She was always an advocate for the Circle, she could see the chains, but believed them necessary. And Neria, that I'm not an abomination!" Anders said excitedly.

"She also understands that it was dangerous for you both, and she fears for the both of you. She doesn't think you are an abomination, but fears you both risk it because you've each changed the other. As do I." Hawke said carefully.

"I know, and you are both right. This has given me a whole different perspective on Justice, and I...Thank you, love...for listening. I've probably talked your ears off by now." Anders sighed.

"They're probably playing cards with Varric at the Hanged Man by now." Hawke teased.

"Ha! You always did know just the thing to make me smile." Anders barked a quick laugh.

"I try my best." Hawke grinned.

"You're always here when I need you." Anders kissed her sweetly. "Lets put the past away for now and get out of here."

"Agreed." Hawke stood up.

"You know I can't believe she remembered that sovereign. That was years ago!" Anders chuckled as Hawke pulled him to his feet.

"We can always slip Bann Teagan a reply before they leave Kirkwall. But for now, Feathers, lets get drunk, sing some bawdy tavern songs and shoot lightning at any fool Templar that dares come to the Hanged Man." Hawke took his elbow.

"Sounds like a plan!" Anders said, for once totally free from the powder keg inside.


End file.
